I’m weak. It’s a sad conclusion, but it’s one I keep coming back to. I boldly ask God to reveal plans and instantly I try to take them over, own them and then suddenly cry out as I find myself sinking. I feel like Peter – I see Christ on the water, jump out of the boat in enthusiastic intrigue only to be stopped by the overwhelming horror of realizing my insignificance compared to the water, storm and environment I’m now crossing towards Him. I’m overly aware of my size and the dimensions of my setting and distracted from the ultimate bigness of my God who beckoned me here in the first place.

I went to Big Bend for a physically active spiritual retreat. God kept impressing 3 lessons upon me: (1) I’m small and inadequate to the tasks He has planned; (2) He’s big; (3) He’s everything I need to accomplish that which He calls me to. Those 3 things kept recycling through my heart. It’s a combination of fear (on my own I will fail – there is no try) and exhilaration (God’s going to make it happen!).

Yet, by 2pm this afternoon I was back to the suffocation of fighting through “to do’s,” against fleshly feelings/thoughts and a manufactured attempt to hide an internal quiver of “it’s too much, God.”

In a moment of particular brilliance, I call a time out and escape to a quiet place with my Bible. I try to pray and get about as far as “Father, you’re so…might to save…I’m…gosh…” Nothing. Silence. A bird flies over head and startles me. Momentary jealousy passes through me as I see the bird carelessly enjoy exploring this oak tree nearby, seemingly oblivious to the “important stuff” weighing me down.

Something in my spirit whispers, “That bird isn't worried…why are you? It is joyfully discovering My purposes…will you? Open your Bible.”

Okeedokie. Like a theologically trained expositor of the Word (ahem), I flip it open to where I had stuck a “to do” list earlier this morning to see what the Holy Bingo method of devotional reading would give me. Job 33. “Interesting,” I muse, “let’s see what’s here.” Then 2 verses strike me a blow – verses 27 and 28. They read: “Then he [a man, or me in this case] comes to men and says, ‘I sinned, and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.’”

“I will live to enjoy the light.” Wow. I quickly devour the next 9 chapters as God puts Job back in place, simultaneously restoring my perspective as well. He’s perfectly able to do all that He has planned. He’s big, He’s my sufficiency for all that He intends to do through me. Will I “live to enjoy the light?”

Perspective reset. Thanks God. Help me “live to enjoy the light” today…and each day after that.

Are you living to “enjoy the light” God makes possible? Today? Free of the “but what about…” out clauses?